And I collect advice on the subject. I'm on an eternal quest to figure out how to NOT screw my kids up. (I need all the help I can get.)
And I recently found a gem. One of those "aha" moments when you realize you've been doing it wrong all these years....
The book itself wasn't really a gem, so I won't recommend titles or anything but one of the chapters really spoke to me. It was on the difference between praising what a child does and praising WHO THEY ARE.
"You did a great job of helping!" or "Thank you for helping me!"
as opposed to
"You are such a good helper!"
One way super-charges the kid's self-esteem and motivates them to continue that good behavior. But the other way- praising WHO THEY ARE- communicates to them that your love is conditional.
It sounds extreme, but I have found it to be soooo true with my kids.
Another aspect is that when I praise one child with "you are..." statements, the other kids resent it. If I say that Hosanna is "good", all that Rivka hears is that she is "bad". Praising actions doesn't have that issue.
One day Riv broke down in tears about what a bad person she is. I was completely shocked and could not figure out how her little mind had come up with that conclusion. The next day I go yard-sale-shopping and Heavenly Father speaks to me in 20-year-old print.
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